Welcome to the dollhouse.

OMG ROACHZILLA IS BACK 

and ugh after last week’s battle I thought it had crawled back to the whorey netherworlds from whence it came BUT NO it was living IN MY CLOSET just biding its time, lulling me into a false sense of security

I look up from my quality late night tumblr-ing and THERE IT WAS  just CRAWLING and FLYING - fucking F L Y I N G - around my room like it pays rent as;lkdfjas

But then I finally cornered it and was READY to BRING THAT FUCKER DOWN 

(in my mind)

(reality)

but then it F L E W   AT  ME and I made a sorry ass attempt to throw a book on it (a Beatle book, lets appreciate the irony) and it got away as I was running shrieking like a little girl in the opposite direction

and now I think it’s either in my closet, or went down the air vent that is now covered with my laundry basket of shoes (where it could also be lurking in, just waiting to crawl out of and on me in my sleep and lay eggs in my hair but no HAPPY THOUGHTS) which is wedged against my closet door with clothes lining the bottom to trap it JUST IN CASE its there but ugh

I’ve made peace with the fact that I don’t need really need anything in my closet …or shoes ….or sleep….or proper ventilation but 

ugh I ALMOST HAD IT 

I HAVE TO MOVE TO ENGLAND THIS IS NOT OKAY

ITS LIKE FOUR INCHES LONG AND IT FLIES AND THE SOUTH IS A TERRIBLE PLACE TO LIVE I AM DONE I AM LEAVING I CANNOT DEAL

GOOD BYE

it’s a great day ya’ll 

After literally months of my super blind self being without my contacts due to an unfortunate combination of poverty, the super slow wal-mart eye care system and my own inability to not-lose my trial contacts, I finally got my new contacts in the mail!

No more glasses!

No more constantly feeling like it’s bedtime due to my pavlovian time-for-sleep reaction to wearing glasses

No more fear of the special needs kids I work with snapping my glasses in half/smacking them off my face!

No more looking like a spinster librarian troll with my 10 year old frames!

Sunglasses!

Peripheral vision!

That special super-power type feeling you get with brand new contacts

THE WORLD IS SO CLEAR I THINK CAN SEE NEW DIMENSIONS AND ALSO INTO SPACE YA’LL 

You know the days when you shouldn’t have gotten out of bed? 

I mean it started well enough - 2 hour school delay! Only 10 kids show up (out of 20)

But LOL my boss announces she’s closing my school at the end of the week. Unemployment!

Bank error took a 500 dollar paypal payment from my account and not the 500 dollars I PUT IN PAYPAL and overdraft fees!

The 10 year anniversary of George Harrison’s death all over my dash

Now I’m huddling my dark, cold room clutching a fudge brownie praying no more catastrophe strikes today

Spring Break ‘11 

A gif-illustrated tale of the visit from thepaisleyelf and thepaisleyboyfriend, who drove ALL THE MILES to visit me and my family! ♥ 

We laughed, we cried, ate obscene amounts of food, destroyed a driveway or two, drank rum and THE PAISLEYS GOT ENGAGED AWWW (and it didn’t even have to do with rum)

Read More

Childcare is not my strongest skill 

thepaisleyelf:

My three year old niece is throwing a huge fit over something trivial and I’m just like,

“Oh, I know, life is so hard when you’re the daughter of an upper-class white American family.”

Not impressed.

LOL Rachel, well you know how I feel about this since we discuss our superiority at child raising all the time (having none ourselves).

As someone who spent hours as a “teacher” of young Slytherins at the Azkaban Daycare for future Death Eaters, locked in a room with a dozen three year olds, trust me, that’s a totally appropriate reaction.

There’s a difference when something genuinely upsetting is going on and when they’re just being bratty drama queens and upset that they are not, in fact, entitled to everything they want in life, ever, just because they are their special, special snowflake selves like

When that’s the case I feel it’s totally appropriate to be all 

I remember once there was a special, special child who had been having diva fits ALL DAMN DAY threw fit #15 at like 5pm and my Patient Teacher Voice/Being a Mature Adult/Giving Time Outs + Reinforcing Consequences-ness had run out and I was like

And she just looked at me and stopped. It was one of the best moments I had there (which shows you why I quit).

Or maybe we both fail at childcare

I weep for the future 

Today I had a class of fifth graders - one of whom had a fully grown mustache, another with a nose piercing. 

On Monday I had to confiscate two cell phones from third graders.

THIRD GRADERS

AND THEIR PHONES WERE BETTER THAN MINE

So this week I got to sub at Harrison Elementary 

Which is super awesome in and of itself right? 

BUT THEN

The inside of the building was painted with purple walls and pretty curling vines all over it LIKE A GARDEN

And then I walked in the classroom AND THERE WAS A STUDENT TEACHER TO DO MY WORK FOR ME A:LKDJFALKDFJ:LKADFJLKDL:SDF

I KNEW GEORGE WOULD NOT LET ME DOWN

It was super awesome times until the end of the day, when I ran into former co-workers from the Azkaban Daycare for Future Death Eaters.

"OMG are you coming back this summer?"

Being a Grown Up Sucks 

Got paid today!

It all immediately goes to rent/student loan payments/things I need/not London 2012 funds

7th graders are evil 

Apologies if you are one, have recently been one, or come into close contact with one on a regular basis

Note: If you’re on tumblr and are in the 7th grade (oh god are there any? Surely there must be…and now I’m panicking), I’m sure you are an exception, a precious bundle of joy and light brought down from heaven on a rainbow slide to earth on the back of angel’s wings and you would never, ever give your teachers any problems. You would be the cool kids in the back, reading Harry Potter and not giving a fuck.

BUT AS FOR THE REST OF YOU

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Dear Skullet (thepaisleyelf’s step-father) 

To the world’s douchiest asshole of a step-father:

(warning: gratuitous swearing and angst)

Read More

My cat is of the Devil 

She is truly a minion of Darkness

(don’t read if you’re squeamish)

Read More

In other Gif-worthy news: after two months I am finally reuinted with my beloved 

Beloved laptop that is

Spending the last two months of long suffering watching my poor laptop sit cold and useless on the shelf, all sad and lonely.

 

CHARGER ARRIVES ON CHRISTMAS EVE. THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME IS REUNITED.

I HAVE MY BOOKMARKS. MY Bookmarks ya’ll. WITH MY SITES THAT I LOVE.

CHATTING ON YM AGAIN. MY WIDE SCREEN RESOLUTION AND KEYBOARD THAT DOESN’T SUCK.

MY FILES! MY WONDERFUL FILES OF ALL MY CRAP I WASTE MY TIME HOARDING LIKE A CRAZY LADY WITH CATS PICTURES AND MUSIC AND PROGRAMS. AND I CAN FINALLY UPDATE MY IPOD AND SPEND MY ITUNES GIFT CARD

ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME!

NO MORE SHARING A COMPUTER WITH AMAGICALPLACETOBE. whom I love and greatly appreciate her letting me use - but this can only be a good thing b/c if you follow both of us super tumblr geeks, you can imagine the potential conflict.

I can now stop wasting time doing real world things and resume my super important interneting

LIFE AGAIN HAS MEANING. 

LAPTOP + CHARGER PLEASE DON’T EVER BREAK ON ME DURING MY TIMES OF EXTREME POVERTY EVER AGAIN

SNOW. REAL SNOW. REAL SNOW IN TENNESSEE ON CHRISTMAS! 

IT IS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

It’s only happened twice in the last 100 years!

Makes this transplanted Midwesterner very happy!

And I realize everyone else on tumblr is like, sleeping or opening presents or spending time with their family

BUT I HAD TO SHARE BECAUSE OH EM GEE YA’LL SNOW!!!!

I can’t wait to go play in it like

A girl my brother works with met Paul McCartney in an elevator in NYC over Thanksgiving 

arrive-without-travelling:

And she was just like “OmG he called me pretty girl and talked to me and it was so random you guys LoLz!!!11!!!”

What 

the actual

fuck?

WHY DOES THIS NEVER HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEE?